Hi friends. I sat down to write this blog post with a very specific topic in mind. And then my phone flashed a breaking news update. Another school shooting. This one in Iowa. On the first day back after winter break. And I am gutted. Again.
How can I sit down and write about parenting and walking through something new with Jack when other parents aren’t going to get to hug their kids tonight? They sent their kids to school assuming it was safe and now their kids won’t be home for dinner. The students at that school are forever changed. Their parents will navigate helping them heal for the rest of their lives. It makes what I wanted to post about feel so small and insignificant. And yet the parents of the kids lost today would give anything, I’m sure, to walk their kids through something seemingly small and insignificant.
In our email from our school principal last night we were reminded that students will have an intruder drill coming up. My kids, who are in kindergarten and fourth grade, are preparing for attacks that could happen in their school. What the fuck. That paired with the news today is too much.
I just cannot quiet these thoughts. The guilt. The rage. The anger. The confusion. The desperation. The deep sadness. And as much as I want to make these thoughts and emotions stop, I feel like I can’t and shouldn’t. The parents of the students who have been lost can’t look away. The students in Iowa, and in so many other schools across the country, will deal with the trauma every day for the rest of their lives. When I march ahead focusing on the fact that at least it didn’t happen here I become complacent. It is way too easy to do that when this keeps freaking happening.
This keeps freaking happening! All of it is so twisted. Why are we choosing this?!
I was in elementary school when Columbine happened. I was part of the first generation who started doing lockdown and intruder drills. I was a teacher and had to go through active shooter training. Told that if a student was not in my classroom at the time of the shooting I should under no circumstances let them back into the room. I had to find ways to hide kids in closets, blockade doors, etc. We brainstormed whether students could get into the ceiling because of the removable tiles. We talked about what we could use to bust windows in case we needed to jump from the second story. These trainings have only gotten more intense. Why? Because we have decided we would rather train to react to these situations, accepting them as inevitable, instead of taking action to stop them.
Do we need gun legislation? Yes.
Do we need mental health support? Yes.
Do we need more counselors and support staff in schools for students and teachers? Yes.
Do we need to focus on family connections and community building and belonging? Yes.
We need all of it. This isn’t a singular issue topic. It isn’t right or left. It is human. Or it should be. But at some point, it stopped being about that. If this was human, if it was truly about the kids then we would freaking do something.
I don’t know. I’m so done with thoughts and prayers. Give me legislation. Take action. SHOW ME you give a fuck about my kids. Because I don’t believe you. I have no reason to believe you.
And yet, I have to hope. That something can change. If I lose hope I would never be able to send my kids to school again. That is a scary reality to admit but the fact I could even imagine it coming to that is telling.
For what it is worth, here’s what I’m doing with my rage today:
-Following and connecting with Moms Demand Action for next steps.
-Writing my state reps to express my anger and frustration and to beg them to take action. I know that in a state like MO this can feel like a waste of time. I’m begging you to do it anyways. If you want to use what I’m sending as a template, message me and I’ll send it to you. Or check out Moms Demand Action because they have scripts you can use too.
-Hugging my own kids extra tight.
This isn’t ok. None of it is ok.