Today Dan and I are celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary (which seems wild and crazy)! It is one of those weird things where it feels like it’s been so much longer than that but also a blink. (What is time?!) So much life has happened in the last fourteen years! I asked Dan to help me come up with a list of the best advice we could give about marriage and partnership.
Here are 14 tips (in no order of importance or significance):
1. Make traditions together- Whether it is just the two of you or your family unit, make traditions. Create new ways of being and celebrating. Find things that are just yours even when (or especially when) they only make sense to you. Carve out your own little existence.
2. Do projects together- Risk being bad at something together. Whether it is a home project, a craft or art project, etc. take on something together and see what happens.
3. Learn each other’s love languages- Recognize that your partner experiences love differently than you do. Find out what they need and make an effort to provide it. We both have to make an intentional effort to show the other person love in a way that they will actually receive it.
4. Ask for what you need- It seems so much easier than it actually is, but ask for what you need. If you’re feeling burnt out or exhausted and need rest, ask for it. If you’re feeling cooped up and need out, ask to get out of the house. If you’re feeling the pull to try something new, talk it through with them, and ask for their support. So many of us are convinced we aren’t supposed to have or show our own needs. But doing this inside your marriage will just eat you alive.
5. Find communication that works for you- This one is twofold. The first part is similar to love languages. Figure out how you both communicate best and prioritize communicating in that way and giving the other person the opportunity to do what they need. For example, Dan is an internal processor and I have learned I have to allow him time to think things through before he is ready to talk them through with me. Alternatively, I am an external processor and sometimes just need to hear myself talk out loud. I have learned that sometimes it is best to tell Dan I’m not actually ready for his response. I just need to process it out loud first.
The second part of this is silly but important. With two young kids in the house, it is easy for us to make excuses as to why we can’t talk about something (little ears are everywhere and always listening). Sometimes we resort to texting each other from across the room. Or even putting something important in a text as a way to say “I know this is important and I want to talk about it but I recognize that can’t happen right this second, but if I don’t bring it up right now then I’m never going to.” Texting isn’t best practice, but sometimes it is all we have, and that is always better than just avoiding something completely. Do what works for right now.
6. Do your own things- Have interests that are only yours. Dan loves movies. I do not. He often decompresses with a glass of bourbon and a good movie on a weekend night. I am more likely to curl up in bed with a book (and fall asleep). We both recharge in different ways. Dan enjoys wood working and that is not a skill I have so those projects he can be by himself and pour energy into something he likes. It allows us both to fill our cups and come back to the relationship, our family, and our home with better energy.
7. Laugh together- I don’t care if it is at each other, at yourself, at your kids, at random Reels, etc. just make sure to laugh together. I swear it is the easiest way to breathe life into your relationship.
8. Be quiet together- Being comfortable in the quiet is one of the ways I knew Dan was someone I could marry. I need quiet. I need to be able to be still sometimes. Knowing we can do that while sharing space has been so important. It gives us both time to process, decompress, and breathe.
9. Be cheesy- Don’t ever stop saying “I love you” even if you’ve already said it a hundred times. Buy the flowers, write the note, ask for the kiss, say the thing. You both deserve the reminders.
10. Expectation check- You cannot be all the things all the time. There is a lot of pressure on modern-day relationships to have a partner who is also your best friend. That is great if that’s actually true. But for us, we both also have other people and spaces we can have needs met. I have best friends I can talk about mom struggles, my anxiety, my business, etc. and they understand in a way that is different than Dan. For me, when I expect Dan to be the only person who ever helps me feel supported and fulfilled then I end up let down or resentful because it literally isn’t possible for one person to be everything always. (But if anyone could be everything always it would be Dan. He’s as good as they come.)
11. Document memories- We are actually so bad at this. But we both love looking back through old pictures and remembering where we’ve been and how far we have come.
12. Dream together- Make the bucket lists, prioritize your renovations, map out your goals, etc. Build your life together, put it on paper, and work towards it together.
13. Send ridiculous memes- We communicate via memes and Reels often. It is a tiny gesture that lets the other person know you thought of them. Dan knows if he sends me a video of someone wiping out I will laugh out loud and it’ll be an immediate mood buster. I know if I send him a terrible dad joke I’ll get a snicker. Make fun of yourselves, let them know you’re thinking about them, and prioritize the other person’s joy. It is silly but it goes a long way.
14. Evolve together- Stay curious about each other. Ask questions and don’t assume you know the answer (even if you might). Allow the other person space to grow and explore, support them as they experience new things, and encourage them to be brave. Also, challenge yourself to do the same. Learn from each other. Continue to choose each other and fall in love with each new version of yourself and your partner.
What would you add?! I would love to know.
Cheers to 14 years and so many more to come. Love doing this life with you, Dan.
With so much love and gratitude,
Am