Can someone give me a report card? Or can I request whatever the adult equivalent of a Parent-Teacher conference is? I would really appreciate an opportunity to sit down with someone, see if I’m reaching all of life’s benchmarks, identify areas for improvement, gain a little guidance, and also get a good ol’ pat on the back. I could use that.
Both of my kids had Parent-Teacher conferences this week. As a former teacher and now parent, I actually really love conferences. An opportunity to touch base, hear what they think is important for me to know, get their perspective and experience with my kid, and gain some talking points to take back home. It helps that overall we have had extremely positive experiences with our kids’ teachers. Every time I walk away feeling so proud and reassured.
As I drove home thinking about the wonderful things their teachers had to say I couldn’t help but feel like I wish someone would give me a report card and tell me I’m doing a good job. (I mentioned this to my husband and he wholeheartedly disagrees.)
I know I’m a words of affirmation girl, so this is more appealing to me at baseline than most. As a people-pleasing perfectionist, this is also a slippery slope of desiring external validation. Nonetheless, can someone please just tell me if I’m on the right track?
I don’t even need a grade, although if we use a grading scale please give me an A+. I would settle for a “beginning,” “approaching,” or “meeting” at this point. Like am I on the right track? Out of all the other parents who were evaluated, where do I fall? Over or under the 90th percentile?
I think sometimes we can sit through our kids’ Parent Teacher Conferences and feel like they’re ours too. Like whatever they say about my child is a direct reflection of how well I’m doing at parenting and life. I think this is kind of popular opinion, but I just don’t think that’s true. I used to, but recently something shifted in me and I can’t quite describe what it is. But let me explain my thinking…
When my kids are struggling, melting down, or just generally having a hard time, I am very quick to take ownership of that. Very quick. It is so easy to blame myself when it feels like surely I did or didn’t do something that caused them to have this hard time or shortcoming or whatever you want to call it. I beat myself up every single time.
Then I get told my kid is so kind that their teacher intentionally pairs them with other kids who may be having a bad day because they know my child will not only be kind to them but my child will be intentional about cheering them up and cheering them on. And what do I do with that? I give 100% of the praise and ownership of that to my child. I don’t pause to see how it could be a reflection of me and my parenting.
Why do I only play a role when they’re struggling? Why do I only allow myself to own the hard parts? Why can’t I pause after such a positive conference and say, “wow, I helped support my kid so they could show up in that way,” or “I have provided enough examples and surrounded my child with people who allow this to become his behavior and reality.”
I realize this is my internal struggle. It really gets at the heart of my own limiting beliefs and what I’ve spent years working through in therapy. But I’m not the only mom operating this way either.
I’m not saying I should claim full responsibility for the wins because that’s not it at all. I mostly mean I can’t have it both ways. Either I get to take ownership of both sides: the good and the bad, or I can’t take ownership of any of it and I need to allow it all to be my child’s. Easier said than done. And surely the answer is somewhere in the middle, right?
We all know our children are a reflection of us and our parenting to some degree. And yet, they’re their own independent being with a personality and preferences and behaviors and feelings. There is no clear line indicating what is our “fault,” what is a coincidence, and what is just life life-ing. Sometimes our children will have hard days because they are in fact, humans. It is more often than not, not an indication that we are falling short as parents. On other days our children will freaking rock it, and again more often than not, it’s not an indication of how outstanding we are as parents.
I think I’ve reached a space within my own parenting journey where I have to start stepping back. I think it is a natural progression as our kids get older. I have less and less control as they grow up. When they’re infants I control when they sleep, when they eat, where they go, all of it. When they’re toddlers I still controlled their routines and the structures. But now, I have very little control over their lives. All I can do now is continue to give them tools and build out their toolbox and hope that they choose to use them well when an opportunity presents itself.
When I’m told my child is super kind and their teacher wishes they had 20 more students just like them, it is not a testament to me. I think it is more about the fact that my child has been given the tools they need and they have chosen to use them.
I guess I’m just wondering what happens when we let our kids’ ups and downs be theirs, and ours be ours, and we just try to show up every day for the ride and equip them with what they need to feel comfortable taking ownership of it all.
Does that get me a better grade…or…
And if I’m totally way off here can someone please schedule me a conference and get me back on the right track…
I would love to hear from you about how this lands and where your thoughts are going and how you’re approaching parenting as your kids get older. DM me on Instagram or shoot me a message.