You know those weeks that just kick your butt? Oof. This was one of those.
If you follow me on Instagram you likely saw that I had surgery this week. Just over a year ago I had a major hip surgery (called a PAO) and they put 4 very large titanium screws in my hip. Those screws have been causing me pain over the last year. I couldn’t sleep on that side and if I wore jeans that hit at my hips I would end up bruised. Since my bones have now healed the screws weren’t necessary anymore. My surgeon decided it was best that we remove them so I could actually get to a point of being pain free (for the first time since I was 11 years old!).
My surgeon has been wonderful and has worked magic on my wonky hip. But he led me to believe that removing these screws was really no big deal and that I would be back to normal and full activity the following day. Um…no. That is not how this has gone. Managing the pain and tenderness has been more difficult than I was mentally prepared for. The last few days have been incredibly frustrating.
To top it off, Molly got strep this week. While I was in surgery, my mom, who was staying with the kids, was texting Dan to let him know Mo woke up with a fever. Poor Dan had to get me home from the hospital then turn around and take Molly to the pediatrician. Not ideal.
Of course when Molly is sick she only wants to cuddle me and I was in enough pain that it just wasn’t a real option. We were a mess all around. Definitely not how I thought Tuesday was going to go.
Oh and I’m still in the launch period of my new program The Storytelling Advantage and just last week I started taking on client work again. Maybe a bit of poor planning on my part, but I really thought I was going to bounce right back and be good to go by Wednesday.
This week has been a lot.
Here’s the thing…you know some sort of metaphor is coming right…
The screws in my hip were no longer serving me. They had done their job. They allowed me to heal. But I did not need them anymore. My doctor kept encouraging me to remove them but I was scared to commit to that. I knew he was right but there was a tiny part of me that was afraid. There was a bigger part of me that doubted how I would handle another recovery. There was an even bigger part of me that really didn’t want to ask for help from other people so that I could prioritize surgery and recovery again (oh and I have another surgery coming up at the end of the month too). I was actually strongly considering not following his advice just so that I didn’t have to inconvenience anyone.
How many times do we do this?! In our personal lives and relationships, in our business, in our parenting, in our own self-care…I don’t know about you, but I do it all the freaking time.
I know there is a routine, relationship, commitment, fill-in-the-blank scenario that is no longer serving me or helping me achieve the goals and life I want. And yet, I can’t let it go. I want to keep one foot planted in the old way and one in the new until I know the new is actually better or that letting go will actually benefit me. But that’s not how it works. Because the reality of it is that straddling the line will only keep me stuck. It is very annoying.
I’m guessing we have all experienced this on some level. And I do feel like more and more people are talking about this messy middle. But the part I haven’t heard talked about is the really hard time period that comes after you do decide to commit. We want it to be all rainbows and butterflies and celebration of our commitment to a new and better way. Most of the time it is not that.
To keep the example going, I committed to having the screws removed but then I had to rely on Dan to get me home, I had to ask my mom for help with the kids, I had to prioritize rest, I had to shift our family’s routines and expectations. My choice had a ripple effect on every single member of my family. The fear of that effect is usually what keeps me stuck because my enneagram 2-ness is convinced that if I inconvenience someone too much they’ll definitely decide they don’t love me anymore or that I am too much of a bother. (I’m working on this.)
When we decide to make decisions for ourselves based on our wants and our needs, it very well might impact other people. They might have to pick up some slack or change their routines or shift some expectations. THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT ISN’T WORTH IT, but it does make it hard.
Sometimes the only way forward, the only way to heal, the only way to move through and past the pain is to commit to removing what is no longer serving you and to trust that your people are there to support you as you move towards the biggest, bravest version of yourself. Once you choose you, you give your people the opportunity to choose you too. How powerful and beautiful (and slightly terrifying) is that?!
What choice are you avoiding right now because you’re afraid of how it might impact someone else? What decision are you sitting on because you want a guarantee that it is “right”? What do you need to remove so that you can move forward?
With so much love and gratitude,
Am